New York City Sick & Pretty

I worked at home on Friday morning, followed by my client in Cobble Hill. I’m so pleased with the summer weather- we finally can work out outside on the back deck at their house again. It makes such a difference for my mood. I decided to spontaneously pop into Trader Joe’s, knowing there wasn’t much food left at home. I got ingredients to make a pizza that night for dinner, as a surprise for Matt, because I hadn’t made one in a long time. I also got brownie mix. Turns out, all those groceries- plus my five-pound weighted ball, bike lock, water bottle and notebooks- were incredibly heavy. I biked home super slow, as I gradually lost feeling in my right arm. 

Clearly, I collapsed on the couch for much of the rest of the day. I took a very long nap at one point… and I don’t really remember what else I did. I never got to the gym, so I just showered and started making the pizza when Matt was almost home. It came out really well! I used a new trick to keep the pizza from sticking to the stone- running a strand of floss under the crust. Awesome. Matt and I just watched Chopped and Modern Family, and eventually went to bed. I wish I had gotten us to do something besides TV. But I was happy I made dinner for him, I think he appreciated it. He got home at 9, so it’s not like we had a ton of energy.

Saturday morning I slept a little later than I intended, but got to the post office and finally got the rest of the Kickstarter packages out. Oy vey, that was a never-ending project. I spent most of the day sending out individual pleas to all of my friends to get them to come to my release show. I think I sent out almost forty emails. Honestly, it started to get to me. Every time I hit send, I wanted to die a little bit more. I hate this. I hate promoting myself into the ground. I hate begging the same people over and over. I hate that no one takes interest, save for a few friends, and that it’s impossible to engage new fans because no one cares about music. If they do, they care about exactly what’s in vogue right now. I keep being told that no one is doing what I’m doing right now, and isn’t that great? I’m unique to the industry! No, actually, it’s not great. It’s awful. There’s no scene to support me, no one wants to try anything new, and I can’t even get anyone to review my record. It fucking sucks and I hate all of it. I’m such a proponent of social media and connecting with fans and all those things that it means to be in the “new music industry”. I’m way into the Amanda Fucking Palmer school of thought. But that’s not the problem. I’d be thrilled to do all that. But I have no fans. What do you do with yourself when no one is interested in you at all? You have to just force yourself on people, constantly, drive them crazy, beg them to like you. It sucks, it’s demoralizing, it’s humiliating, and I hate it. If I thought I could be happy without making music, I would quit immediately. But I don’t think I could be. So fuck.

I felt this way for the rest of the day, and I still do. But I made myself go to the gym sometime around 7, and worked really hard. I need to lose those five pounds, or else I’ll see the pictures of this gig forever and never be able to forgive myself. I just keep gaining, it’s unfair, and I have no will power to stay away from food. I went for a walk after the gym, and it was nice. I got a salad, and then, because I’m awful, I went to Foodswings and got three vegan wings. Because I was sure I’d want something more than a salad. Ugh. I talked to my mom on the phone, had my dinner, and watched Skins series 5. Later I talked to Matt on the phone and cried hysterically about everything. I need people to come to this show, I’m terrified that I can’t make it happen, and I’m completely breaking down. Yep. So that’s where I am right now.

Wednesday’s work started at 10am, and I was ridiculously exhausted AGAIN. Maybe I have mono. I had to go to a client in Tribeca after my first guy at home, but Accuweather said it was going to rain, so I took the subway. Of course, it didn’t rain even a little bit, and I was so bummed that I didn’t get a bike ride in. I ate the leftover pasta I had made the night before, and again it was way too much food, so I think I went into a minor coma. I napped for a few hours in the middle of the afternoon, was disappointed with myself, and had two clients at night. When I got back, Matt had cooked us dinner- spaghetti squash, mushrooms and brussels sprouts. It was delicious and healthy, but I hadn’t exercised and had eaten a lot all day, so I still felt crappy. Good thing we don’t have anymore chocolate chips in the house. Because I ate them all.

On Thursday, I woke up at the crack and biked to Cobble Hill, followed by another client at home. I collapsed on the couch for a bit, and then met Randy in Central Park by the Met. It was an awesome hot day, and we sat in the park and caught up, but also did some creative planning for the record release show. Realizing that June was minutes away, I had started panicking a little bit. For such a long time since finishing the album, I’ve been really excited, confident and proud. Now, feeling like everything is imminent and could plausibly go really wrong, I’ve just been full of dread. I know this feeling, and it used to stop me from completing things. But I think I’m better at identifying it for what it is now… just baseless fear. I know in my heart that the album is good, and that everything in June is going to be fun, I’m just getting myself down. Talking to Randy and coming up with some cool ideas definitely helped get me back into the right mood. We went to the Met eventually, to see the Schiaparelli/Prada exhibit. There was a lot of really amazing stuff, but it was also not a very big show… one of the best parts was the insane reenactment movie of a conversation between the two designers, directed by Baz Luhrmann. We also checked out the roof, which was totally beautiful, and was featuring this incredible mirror sculpture that you could climb inside. We missed getting tickets to go inside though. Still lovely. I went home, got some Wild Ginger, and set about watching all of Series 4 of Skins. Spoiler- it has the most unsatisfying ending ever. Dave and Nicole also came by with my Born Strange tshirts! They look adorable.

Since no one is home, I’m into bachelor mode- meaning there are articles of clothing, garbage and dirty plates everywhere. I haven’t been the best about exercise the past two days, that’s the main thing I’ve been fucking up. I guess I’ve been biking. June. It’s happening. I need to lose five pounds. I need to get back into my zone.

I am waaayy behind. I’m kind of hating blogging right now. This isn’t as compelling a project for me as the Eat-Pray-Love Summer in 2010… but still, it’s helping me some, and I think it’s good to write. Even if it’s about really mundane stuff. That’s the philosophy behind the Artist’s Way “morning pages”- just write. And write some more. It’s like a brain dump.

So on Monday, Matt and I were supposed to go to a Mets game… but it was a day game, and we had the party the night before… we ended up just laying in bed all day. Which, honestly, was okay. It was over 90 degrees, we were tired and dehydrated. Our kind overnight guests did a lot of the cleanup, and later on Matt did some vacuuming. We got harassed all day by the desk downstairs, because the people we passed the BBQ key off to never returned it. And of course, it was still under my name, even though at least five parties were up there on Sunday. And OF COURSE, there was only one key. They had to break the lock and threatened me with a fine. So that made me pretty cranky. Matt and I got Chinese food (it’s been a while since we were gross), but then for dinner we got salads, so see? We’re changing. At 9 or 10 at night, we forced ourselves to go to the gym, just to apologize to our bodies a little bit. We ended the night with Mad Men and Jim’s leftover grasshopper pie.

I worked on Tuesday at 10am… and that was it. I was REALLY tired, though, for some reason. Matt and I went grocery shopping. Daphnie came to train me, and I was so cranky, but felt a lot better afterwards. For the rest of the day, I tried to get some work done and clean up, while Matt built his new CD rack. That evening, he went to a band practice, and I had my two guitarists over for a mini-practice up on my roof. It was really nice and relaxing… we have to seriously get into practicing again, though, with everybody very soon. Oh! Our showcase got scheduled at NBC! That’s exciting. There’s just so much going on. It’s sort of becoming overwhelming… but that might just be because I’m so tired all the time. My attitude is flagging along with my energy. I ate a stupidly big dinner and then we went to bed.

Our roommates are out of town, so it has been kind of nice to have the apartment to ourselves… just to lay around and turn up the TV volume as loud as we want at night. It wasn’t a terribly active two days, but Matt and I have been spending so much time together that I think the resolutions are intact. A little too much laziness, but still good. I have a lot of days to catch up on, goddammit, and I need to cook dinner soon, so farewell for now.

Flyer by Evan Baumeister for Cursed Out Prod./West Coast Haus of Bowery

Saturday was extremely uneventful. I got up at a reasonable hour and headed out to start mailing out my Kickstarter rewards. It was hot already at 11am, but thankfully the post office was quiet and no one else needed to use the automatic postage machine. So all of the small packages are out, but I’m still waiting on tshirts, so I have about 9 more to send out this week. I feel bad, because those people are the ones who donated the most- but I got a really great deal on the shirts from Dave. So I’ll be patient.

I headed to the grocery store next, and finished shopping for the party. With two big bags of groceries on my shoulders, I walked back towards home and stopped at the liquor store for a giant bottle of wine and some vodka for the jello shots. Riley invited me over to hang out on her roof, which I really wanted to do- but I was a mess from being out in the heat with all the bags, and still had a fair amount of cooking and cleaning I wanted to accomplish early. Plus, Matt messaged me that Nyack was flooding- surely our thunderstorm was on its way. So I got started on cooking and making the jello shots, which were an amazing accomplishment… I made them half red and half blue, with a layered recipe I adapted from Billy’s jello shot book. Yes, we have a jello shot recipe book. I cleaned the house thoroughly, and watched all of Skins series 3, and before I knew it, it was nighttime. Because of aforementioned flooding, Matt couldn’t get home, which was sad.

I got to bed fairly early, and woke up at 7:30 so I could go to the gym before work. It’s been a long time since I’ve done that. I was really proud of myself, though- I laid out my clothes, shoes, ipod, water bottle and keys by my bed the night before, and though I was tired, I got myself down there and felt amazing afterwards. I showered and did my makeup and hair so I wouldn’t be rushed before the party, and went to work for three hours, leaving a note for Matt of all the leftover tasks I needed done. His dad drove him home, so he was finally able to bring our new desk chair back from Nyack! It’s the small things that get me unreasonably excited. Everything looked ready for the party, so we got dressed, I filled my stuffed strawberries with cool-whip, and started in on the wine.

Friends started coming over around 2:30, people made guacamole, we stuffed our refrigerator, and eventually moved up to the roof to barbecue. Chris, Jen and I skewered shrimp… Bridget and Hannah came… Matt cooked things… it was all really nice. I was worried about rain, but it was actually fine all day, save about fifteen minutes of sprinkling sometime around sundown. I got wasted, people oohed and ahhed over my jello shots, I had a veggie burger… it was a really lovely day. It wasn’t a huge party either, like other years. It felt really manageable. People kept arriving into the night, but it’s rather blurry after a certain point. We ran out of food eventually. The guys played poker in the dining room. It ended with Bridget and I dancing, and setting up beds for all the Nyack friends all over the living room.

As for resolutions, I think I did a good job on Sunday at the party. Even though I get stressed about hosting, I was still nice to Matt and we had fun together. We had a good talk at some point during the night, and I think I’ve been showing a lot of affection lately. It was also good to be in a social situation, wearing not-pajamas, talking like grown-ups. Despite the partying and all that lately, I feel like I’m being a much more successful person lately- because I’m engaged with the things around me. I don’t feel like I’m missing everything anymore, and while I still occasionally get social anxiety, I’ve been connecting with so many more people.

Well, Matt’s been up in Nyack since Thursday morning, so it’s a little hard for me to follow through on Relationship resolutions if he’s away. I’ll tell you about my Thursday and Friday, though. They weren’t interesting. I biked to work Thursday morning, got caught in the rain on the way home. People were staring at me with my mascara running down my face like a crazy person. I ate my standard 10:30am lunch- when you wake up at dawn, all your meals are fucked up- and took a nap. Daphnie came and trained me, and then I was quite exhausted and laid around for the rest of the day. I did, however, send out a few emails to blogs asking for reviews. Might as well take some things into my own hands. I ate too much, stayed up too late, and had to wake up at 7 Friday morning.

In a sleep-state, I trained two clients, then got back in bed for a nap. Woke up feeling crappy, and had to go to Tribeca for another client. By the time I was on bike, slathered in sunscreen, I felt much better. My client had just gone through a breakup, and was feeling down, so we opted to go for a jog outside along the Hudson instead of staying in the gym. It was hot and amazing outside, and it had been a long time since we’d done that. It was great to run outside and look at the Statue of Liberty, and all that. After work, I bought a whole pile of bubble mailers so I could finally send out my Kickstarter rewards, which had been occupying the dining room table all week. I biked home, addressed my envelopes, and ordered some food. I started work on Skins series 3. Oh dear. I was skeptical that I could love another cast, but I’m a true addict.

I chose to be boring this weekend. We’re having a BBQ on Sunday, so I’m just holding out til then. I’m just working on being a grown-up, but I’m a binger. Of substances, of food, of TV. Sometimes I still feel like I just moved away to college, and I’m just astounded that there’s no mom telling me what I can and can’t do. I guess we just keep learning what independence is, and how to be successful at it, even nine years after the fact.

Kind of song I’d likely dismiss if a dude was singing it… but her voice makes every hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

maura:

yo this band is the truth. elaboration tk on the work blog in a bit but SERIOUSLY

On Tuesday, I had my early morning bike ride to work, despite the rain- I decided to just go for it. I didn’t wear mascara, wore a raincoat and brought a towel. My ride back was less wet. I had a couple more clients, then Matt and I had lunch and watched some Bob’s Burgers, which he just got me into. I was too tired to do very much, so I got my blogging done, plus some other work. Matt had intended to pass out flyers for my June show after the Garbage concert at Webster Hall that night, but really wanted someone to go with him. I was reluctant, but he couldn’t find anyone else, so I agreed to go. It would fulfill my “be lovely” resolution, whereas I had intended on just staying home in PJs. We went to the gym, then Matt cooked us dinner while I fell asleep.

After dinner, I got dressed up in a skirt and heels. I was exhausted and not feeling particularly outgoing, but it was nice to dress up and go out with Matt. We were early, so we got a beer in the East Village. After stopping by Webster Hall, seeing a few drunk people getting kicked out the back door, we heard that out that Garbage had another 45 minutes to go. So we wandered down to the Continental and had some more beer. I was really happy to be out on what turned out to be a date-like thing. We each took a stack of flyers and split up on either side of the club, and while it started out pretty awkward, it became fun as people wanted to stop and talk to me, or ask me questions about the show. Hilariously, one guy I handed a flyer to was like, “Are you Haley? I helped book your show- I’m so glad you’re doing this!” Look at me. Being proactive. We got rid of a fair amount of flyers, and then Matt and I went back to Brooklyn. I switched to flip-flops- those sandals seriously fucked up my feet.

Neither of us had work during day on Wednesday, so we decided to try the new bar by our house, Donna. We ran into Aaron on the way, randomly, and Donna was packed, so we walked over to The Woods. I hadn’t been there on a weeknight before, and it was really nice. Lots of people there, but not too crowded and plenty of space in the backyard. We had another drink, then headed home. Matt and I ended up staying up almost all night, and it was amazingly just like when we first got together. Really wonderful to feel couple-y again.

Unsurprisingly, we slept til 1pm. Eventually I headed out into town to pick up pills, groceries, and special bandaids for my mangled feet. I started some initial shopping for the Memorial Day party, and when I got home, Matt and I made a big list of everything we need to get. I couldn’t make the gym happen, because of the feet, so I just hung around until dinner. It was my night to cook, which means assembling the ingredients for taco night. My skills are limited. I had one client at night, and then Matt and I decided to NOT watch TV, but to play Scattergories! We used to play it a lot back at his old apartment, when he was quitting smoking and the time we both had the flu. It was really fun! It feels great to DO something. Eventually my brain shut down, and I settled in for five hours of sleep before early work.

These were two great days for the Relationship resolutions- we were affectionate, very supportive (talking about music and stuff all Tuesday night), vocally loving, grown-up on our night out, and seriously cut down on our lazy TV time. I’m really proud of us, I’m already feeling better about us as a couple.

You simply MUST.

https://www.facebook.com/events/357519160980067/

So yesterday was the first day of my next two week resolution period, and this time we’re going to be talking about Relationships. Or, well, my relationship. With my boyfriend. I have other resolutions about friends and stuff. But here we’re just focusing on Matt and I. We very rarely fight. In fact, so rarely, that I could probably tell you about each one we’ve had over the past two years. So this resolution isn’t going to be about getting along better, we have that down. We’re best friends. What I do need to work on, however, is making him feel like he’s more than just my best friend. And a few other things, too. Here’s what I came up with for my five mini-resolutions:

• show physical affection
• be supportive
• say loving things
• be grown-ups sometimes
• do something together away from the TV

We were together for about eight months when we went on tour together, and we had an amazing time, never argued, and were at each other’s side for two straight months. Right after that, at the beginning of last May, we moved in together. Shortly after that, Matt opened his record store in Nyack. Sometime in all of that, I’ve become less affectionate. We’re together less, and when he comes home from work, I’m usually in my pajamas and looking a mess. We’ve only just started to have matching days off- for most of the past year, I’ve been alone on my weekends, and worked through his days off. I know it’s important, but I’m never in the mood to be very lovey-dovey. So that’s something to work on.

I also need to be more supportive. With all of his frustration, anger and sadness about the store, I’ve really shut down. At first I was heavily involved, and it weighed so much on me that I was depressed all the time and more unhelpful than ever. As the year has gone on, I’ve disengaged quite a bit. But I do need to be there for him, he’s making a lot of decisions lately about what to do with his life. And “support” needs to be more of the genuine, unconditional variety- not always advice. I’m a big advice-doler-outer. It can be unattractive. I’m a know-it-all. So… stop it. “Say loving things” sort of combines those last two. But it’s easy to forget, after two years, that you still need to make someone feel attractive and loved.

The other thing you might forget is that there was a time when you weren’t only silly and gross. When you first met, nobody talked in silly voices or picked their nose. So even though being comfortable is so awesome, I’d like to remember to “be grown-ups sometimes”. And lastly, we need to do things without TV. It seems like TV works its way into every resolution, which is a testament to how much I watch it. Matt and I like to marathon TV shows, which is fun, until you’ve been lying in bed all day and you’re surrounded by take-out containers. I don’t mind still doing this sometimes, because honestly, we’ve always loved couching and watching movies all day, even when we first started dating. But forcing ourselves to be a little more creative and go for outings, or play a board game, or try a new restaurant by actually getting dressed and going to it. I think that would make us both much happier.

So, yesterday I was sort of formulating these mini-resolutions. And we did just stay in and watch shows when Matt came home. But I’ve been trying to make a conscious effort to give “proofs of love”, as Gretchen says in The Happiness Project. I did a good job with all my previous resolutions, too- aside from going outside, because it was rainy and awful. The greyness made me feel tired and cranky, but I got all my Kickstarter reward packages together, which was a big project. I went to the gym, and ate well. I am inordinately affected by the weather, but I think I held it together.